


on being found

by chenilles



Category: Big Little Lies (TV)
Genre: Domestic Bliss, F/F, Friends to Lovers, No Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-12
Updated: 2020-04-12
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:33:30
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,045
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23617549
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chenilles/pseuds/chenilles
Summary: Sharing a life so intimately with another person should terrify Jane but it doesn’t.
Relationships: Jane Chapman/Celeste Wright
Comments: 5
Kudos: 78





	on being found

**Author's Note:**

> a big thank you to vee for reading it over and to all my friends for encouraging me to write (sorry if this isn't very good, it's been awhile since i've written anything)

Jane gives up her gun for good and starts jogging around the headland more. Running is safer than shooting-- though when she awakes from nightmares, her hand still instinctively reaches for a gun that isn’t there.

She tells Celeste about it one morning in the school parking lot. As much as she loves the both of them, it’s easier to talk to Celeste about this than Madeline. There’s always been an unshakable connection between them, ever since they met. The first time they sat at Blue Blues together, their eyes had instinctively sought each other out. What they found was unexpected solace and familiarity in a stranger that would soon become their best friend.

Celeste is undeniably gorgeous but not in the way that drives other women mad with jealousy. She carries herself as though she’s ashamed of her beauty, always so sorrowful and apologetic. Jane assumed she was a woman of fragility, a touch away from shattering completely, only to realize the opposite. She’d witnessed the older woman’s abrupt fall from grace, the shock of the days following Trivia Night, carried a piece of Celeste’s pain like the others did. The tears they all shed at Perry’s funeral were real, though they cried for Celeste and not him.

But that feeling has long ago subsided, like seaside fog at noon. Their children are well into third grade. Jane is learning how to let go of everything she’s been swallowing for so long. Bonnie and Renata are both separated from their husbands. Madeline is taking online college courses. Jane notices a newfound lightness to Celeste, in the way she drapes herself in bright floral patterns, no longer having to conceal bruises on her skin. Now she sits in the passenger’s seat quietly with her arm pressed against a window, listening attentively to Jane.

“I understand,” Celeste says, after a considerable silence punctuates the conversation. “I’m still sorry about your nightmares.” She doesn’t add,  _ I have them too, _ but she doesn’t need to. Jane already knows. 

“Are you sure you don’t want counseling? I was skeptical of it at the start but I can honestly say it’s been very helpful.” Celeste runs her fingers through her red hair once, angling her head in Jane’s direction. Her eyes take on a silver hue in the cool morning light. Upon looking at Celeste for more than the customary couple of seconds, Jane is abruptly struck by how beautiful her friend is. She instantly remembers why she doesn’t make a habit of watching Celeste for too long; it’s difficult to look away once she does.

“It’s not my thing,” says Jane, quickly returning to her senses once she realizes Celeste is expecting an answer from her. “Maybe someday?”

Celeste’s mouth quirks into a small smile. “Fair enough. Are you still seeing that boy from the aquarium?”

“Sort of. It’s hard to explain-- I told him that I’m not ready to commit to a relationship yet and he was understanding. But we still have lunch together and sometimes hang out after work.”

“That’s good to hear.” Celeste seems to sit with this for a moment before asking, “does he make you happy?”

“Yeah,” says Jane. Truthfully, she doesn’t quite know where she stands with Corey. He makes nice enough company but she can’t imagine going farther than the hesitant kisses she’d given him; they’ll probably go back to being friends, the way they’d been when they first met.

Jane looks down at her lap and finds that her and Celeste’s hands are intertwined, wondering how she didn’t notice it earlier. Now that she’s aware of it though, it’s all she can think about. Celeste’s skin brushing against hers is all at once too much and not enough, leaving Jane conflicted between the polarizing extremes of starvation and excess of touch.

Time seems to suspend itself in the air as they sit holding hands. The only thing that feels real now is the way Celeste smiles her at her knowingly, as if she’s aware of exactly how she’s affecting Jane, and as though their hands are meant for each other.

___

As the days turn into weeks and then months, everything that Jane learns about Celeste just endears her more to her.

When Max gets in trouble at school and Celeste is too busy with work to answer the principal’s call, Jane discovers that she is the first on Max and Josh’s emergency contact list. As dumbfounded as she is when first learning this information, she composes herself and tells the secretary on the other line that she’ll be there to pick Max up from school as soon as possible. Later when she lays in bed alone and has time to mull over her day, she wonders why Celeste would do that. She’s known Madeline longer and Mary Louise is still the boys’ family (to Celeste’s great anguish) and has no reason to grant Jane guardianship of her sons.

When Jane reveals to her friend that she has a blind date one night, Celeste takes it upon herself to help her prepare for it. Ordinarily that’s Madeline’s department-- makeup, clothing, relationship advice-- so the gesture is unexpected. But then again Celeste has a knack for surprising her that Madeline doesn’t possess. Celeste flips through the dresses in Jane’s cupboard-sized closet and selects a few, asks for her opinion on them. Celeste in Jane’s apartment is a strange but welcome sight, moving about with a flutter of silk and red-gold hair, her voice never raising an octave above a low, sophisticated murmur. She applies a light amount of blush over Jane’s cheeks with her fingers, her hands warm against Jane’s back as she does the zipper of her dress.

Celeste doesn’t share Madeline’s flair for extravagance, so the version of herself Jane sees in the mirror is practical and realistic, though more put together than Jane would have managed on her own.

“You look beautiful,” says Celeste with such conviction that Jane is inclined to actually believe it. Her breath hitches when the older woman tips Jane’s chin up and inspects it for any makeup flaws, their faces so close that Jane can feel Celeste’s breath and make out the flecks of grey in her eyes.

Celeste drives her to the restaurant Jane’s date is waiting at, reminding her to call if she needs anything. The date goes smoothly enough, the guy is nice, but Jane knows she doesn’t won’t go on another one with him. Perhaps that’s because her mind is too preoccupied with Celeste to give him a real chance.

It’s easy to be distracted by Celeste-- everyone is. She’s always considerate, asks Jane questions about her day, her interests, and seems genuinely interested in her answers. When she has Jane over for dinner, Celeste prepares dishes she knows the younger woman likes. She sends thank you notes in the mail in pristine cursive for birthday gifts. On Valentine’s day, Jane opens her door to a bouquet of lilacs.

Jane volunteers to host as many sleepovers and playdates as she can with Ziggy and the twins. More often than not, Celeste tags along with her boys to Jane’s apartment. Initially Jane and Celeste sleep in separate rooms but they later agree there’s no point in sleeping alone if they’re under the same roof. Celeste sleeps on the right side of Jane’s bed, Jane sleeps on the left of Celeste’s bed. There are two small hooks in Celeste’s bathroom and one of the toothbrushes hanging from it belongs to Jane. At night the older woman puts her arms around Jane and holds her close and in the mornings they wake up pressed against each other.

Sharing a life so intimately with another person should terrify Jane but it doesn’t. There’s a sense of inevitability to their relationship, as though all of this was predestined, even though Jane doesn’t really believe in fate.

Their friends notice. Madeline isn’t surprised when she hears about their living arrangement. Renata just nods. Bonnie thinks it’s cool and says that they’re good for each other, then asks the group if they’d like to come over for dinner sometime. The conversation abruptly changes and Jane is relieved that it doesn’t become too big of a deal.

Unfortunately all the other parents at school notice as well. At school events when Celeste puts a hand on Jane’s waist, a hundred pairs of eyes dart their way. She gets the sinking feeling that they must see something salacious about her and Celeste-- and while there isn’t anything happening with them, it wouldn’t have bothered Jane if the thought hadn’t crossed her mind before.

To simply consider the possibility of more is ridiculous.  _ It’s enough, _ Jane tells herself.  _ Being with her like this is enough.  _ But she can’t fully convince herself that’s all she wants. She can’t help but wonder what it would be like to kiss Celeste and how she’d react, even though Jane hasn’t felt the need to kiss someone in years.

There’s tension between them that Jane wants to believe is real and not imagined. Whenever their hands find one another underneath a table and they lock eyes. On the days when Celeste looks especially beautiful and Jane can’t stop watching her, the older woman just smiles when she notices her looking. Mid-conversation Celeste will brush a stray lock of hair out of Jane’s face and then waver before finally pulling her hand away. 

The two of them talk about everything but this. While these days they can discuss anything from trauma to politics to what’s for dinner, they never mention the elephant in the room, the heated looks or breathless conversations. The reason for this is because talking about it would make it real, potentially ruin the ease of their relationship and replace it with unhappy discomfort.

“Why don’t you move in?” Celeste asks one day, as they’re packing lunch for their sons. The question isn’t preceded by anything else, casually hanging in the air as is. “This house belongs to you as much as it does to me, and I’m sure you get tired of moving between two places so often.”

Jane wants to say yes. “Can I think about it?”

“Sure, take as much time as you need.” Celeste smiles in that mysterious way of hers that always makes Jane wonder if there’s some hidden meaning to it that she’s missed. “I know this is all very sudden but I just though it was something you might be interested in.”

While Jane already knows what her answer is, she still waits until the end of the day to share it. The two of them are settled in their bed with the lights half-off as Celeste strokes the other woman’s cheek with a thumb. They stay like that for a while.

“I’ve decided that I’d like to live here,” says Jane. “With you.” She tries to sound as though she’s spent time making this decision and not like she’s known all day long, though she isn’t sure if it’s successful.

Celeste shifts into a more comfortable position and then places her hands on Jane’s arms. “Good. We can work out the specifics tomorrow morning, when we’re not moments away from falling asleep.” 

“I love you,” Jane says without thinking.

Celeste tilts her head and regards her for a long, tender moment. “I love you too.” The words don’t mean much when they both already knew and have for a long time. Still the feeling of ‘what now?’ hovers in the air, as if they should have planned this better.

“Can I kiss you?” Immediately Jane wants to recoil in shame at her straightforwardness. “Would that be okay with you?”

“Yes,” is Celeste’s gentle reply as she takes Jane’s face in both hands, and leans in to kiss her.

Jane expects her whole world to unravel and then piece itself together again but it’s nothing that dramatic. Though a kiss isn’t always just a kiss, it is for them. A part of her had worried that the reality of kissing Celeste wouldn’t measure up to her expectations-- but she realizes now that it’s nothing to be intimidated by. The older woman’s mouth is even softer than she’d imagined, though not as hesitant. It feels like home.


End file.
